Well, it’s December 2008… I’m wondering whether I’m making any progress on this sojourn. I’m back in Sydney, with my three kids, and my wonderful wife is joining us just in time for Christmas. Looking for work, looking for faith, looking for our next steps… I’d love to get together with someone from this site. I really need to talk. I have no internet access right now, so I may take time to respond.

Friday night I attended a Freedom 2 B(e) discussion night. In many ways it was pretty much what I expected: a bunch of GLBT Christians sitting around and talking about faith and sexuality. There were about twenty men (no women) there on Friday night. All Christians, all gay (presumably). Wow. I didn’t expect to be tongue-tied… but I really felt like I had nothing to say all night. [I didn’t even think to ask why the ‘e’ in ‘b(e)’ is in bracket(s).] The brief conversations I had before and after the meeting seemed terribly awkward. The few words I said during the actual meeting only came out when I was directly asked a question… I had lots going on in my head, but nothing was going to come out, even if I wanted it to. And this is a man who leads psycho-educational and therapeutic groups for a living! It is so different not being the group leader!

So I reflected on what was going on for me that made it seem so difficult. I think the feelings that overwhelmed me were relief and acceptance. Not to mention the feeling of “wow, I’m in a room with 20 gay men and there’s nothing overtly sexual going on” (I’m NOT getting into what might have been happening covertly); or “wow, I’m in a room with 20 gay men and there’s no one telling us how we can find freedom or deliverance from our sexual proclivities.” The feeling of relief came from being relieved of the straight disguise that I necessarily wear in my daily life. The feeling of acceptance, of it being okay to be on the outside the same man that I’m okay with on the inside.

So, mostly I listened to the conversation, and watched people. I was amazed at how articulate some of the men were – they could tell their stories, or spout off a list of facts with great eloquence. I noticed the ones who weren’t talking (it wasn’t just me). I admired Anthony Venn-Brown’s ability to lead the group – to contain some members and to draw information out of others. I thought about ways the group could be run differently – what I might have done if I were the leader, and what might have helped me feel a bit more comfortable, instead of feeling overwhelmed by my own internal responses to the setting.

I also took notes, at Anthony’s invitation. I thought at one point that the notes would make excellent blogging material. It would also make a great academic paper, which I would love to submit to a journal some day.

Thanks guys – it seems like a whole new world suddenly opened up for me

P.S. This is an excerpt from my blog… I’ve included some of my notes there (hope that’s ok).

Wayne, I think a slightly awkward experience is the norm when stepping in to an F2B meeting for the first time.

My first time was just back in March this year. We had Sandra Turnbull giving her life story and there was a big crowd. I arrived late, so I could just sit up the back and listen. In retrospect I think it was a good thing for me as if I’d started out with a small discussion group (like this last Friday) as my first ever meeting, I would have freaked out.

The second time I went was a DVD viewing so I was able to just sit back for that one too. By the time I was at my first actual discussion-style F2B meeting, I already knew a whole bunch of people from the last times I went so it was much more comfortable. Looks like you, however, got thrown in the deep end.

Going to Betty’s afterwards really takes the cake for me though. I remember after my first F2B meeting, just chatting to people I’d never met before – and feeling completely free to say anything I wanted. Sure I already had a few friends who I am out to, but it’s not the same. Being able to just sit and chat with people who know what you’re going through is like nothing else.

In any case I guess what I’m trying to say is that now you’ve made the first step, it gets way easier from here on out!

…and I think I need to ask your forgiveness wayne for my momentary lapse in sensitivity by directing a question to you so soon in the night and your first meeting……occasionally I forget what a huge step it is for some people to actually step into the building……and BTW….I did the same thing with my wallet on saturday night that you did friday night…..must have been a bad alignment on the planets. 😆 😆 😆