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My son told me he is Gay.

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Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
February 3, 2014, 10:01

Hi Blondie64,


Great to hear from you, sounds like things are progressing along nicely 🙂 I think you have to remember it was only a few weeks that you son came out to you, it's not really that long ago. Give things some time and keep being patient. I think it's natural to want things to be the way they were, but it reality things have changed. There needs to be a time of adjustment and acceptance for you all. Maybe your son is being a little protective of his boyfriend. I know with my son he was secretive and guarded for several years before he came out to us. And then after he did, even though he got a very positive response from us, it still takes time to let the guard come down and realise he didn't need to be so secretive with us any more and could be open. You can't expect someone who has lived many years guarded for years to all of us sudden be totally the opposite, that will take time.


It's understandable that things are a little awkward at the moment, it's not just you who needs time adjust to the fact your son is gay, he had hidden that from your for years, he now needs time to adjust to the fact you know. Trust me it does get better. Everyone has to learn how to behave around each other, what is ok to say and what is not. I know we were careful in what we said, terminology etc so as not to offend. You just have to keep being patient, loving, understanding, accepting and supportive of your son. Don't push him, let him decide when things are the right time. Just let him know that whenever he is ready your door is open for him to let you meet his boyfriend. Don't let each visit be about him being gay, conversation etc, let it just be about the son you love visiting his mum. Talk about other things, rebuild the relationship you desire.


You are doing great. If you think about how tings were a few weeks ago you can see how much things have improved, so they will keep getting better, You will be close to your son again 🙂 Hugs to you 🙂


P.S I don't think DavidT was for one moment saying posting on this site, expressing your thoughts and feelings was in anyway "Outing" your son. It was more referring to telling other people he knows etc. David is coming from a place where he knows people who have be outed and had friends, family, parents, church etc being told. This can be quite devastating for the Outed gay person, as responses aren't always positive and it's quite a private matter. I totally agree with you, we all need someone to talk to, it's a pity your son's don't understand that. Maybe they think you are mum, the invisible mum, the wonder mum, who doesn't need anyone else, they need to learn and understand that you also need the love, support, counsel of other people too.

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
February 3, 2014, 10:11

Hi Ann Maree,


Thanks for your comments. Things have been moving in a more positive direction with my son and myself that is true. However, my statement it's just baby steps still stands because at times, it can be quite awkward between us and I don't know why? My son knows I have accepted his news now that the dust has settled and that he is my son and I still and always will love him, however there still is this awkwardness between us at times, I don't like it but am not sure how to get around it either, it's an odd situation to be in to say the least. Even with my sons knowledge of my acceptance and love, he can still be quite guarded and defensive at times which makes it really awkward, I let it slide when it occurs as I just don't know how to get around it. It's a strange feeling and I hope in time that goes and we can get on with life as a mother and son should. Just hard. Maybe this is the " ups and downs we will experience" you were referring to? I am not sure? I just think this news is taking time for all to adjust to, both my son and myself. Growing can be a painful experience, but I am learning and living in hope that it will all become beautiful and bring us all closer in time. Tanks again.


Cheers,


Blondie64

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
February 3, 2014, 10:20

Hi again Shadow Boxer,


Sorry been a while since I replied to your last post. Life gets hectic and busy at times, no excuse really. Thanks for your input. Agreed with reading comes knowledge, but living in a country town, getting access to reading material without everyone knowing about it is hard. I feel I will have to search for items to purchase via Internet rather than going down to local bookshop and ordering material, could be a little awkward there. I have seen the movie the sum of us a few years ago that you mentioned. I feel I am ready to access reading materials now and absorb them being in a better frame of mind than I was at time of shock news bomb. Emotions mess you up for a bit, and it does take time for dust to settle and get things back on an even keel. That said, we are moving forward my son & I , but at times there are awkward moments, ups and downs between us, he is still quite guarded and defensive at times which I feel makes things awkward and hard to handle at times. I think it's just a big adjustment to change for both of us to get around. Hopefully, in time things will become easier, more beautiful and bring us closer. Thanks again.


Cheers,


Blondie64.

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
February 3, 2014, 10:31

Hi again Eric Lee,


Thanks for your last post, I apologise it's taken me a while to write back. Yes agreed, I think it is what every child wants to be loved and accepted by his parents. I also believe on the flip side of that that every parent, well me (mother) wants to be loved and accepted by their children too – it goes both ways I believe! I hope now that my son realises I have accepted his news and still and always will love him, that he will feel like a weight has been lifted of his shoulders in time as you put it. Because at the moment, although we have moved forward, are talking etc, there are still times that are quite awkward, he can still be quite guarded and defensive at times with me, i am not sure why? Hopefully in time this will subside and things will become even better in and bring us even closer. Think it's just a big change for both sides to adjust to. It's kind of like a period of adjustment that seems a little awkward at times. Guess it's just the ups and downs of moving forward and growing. Kind of like growing pains I guess, it's a journey in life. Thanks again.


Cheers Blondie64.

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
February 3, 2014, 10:43

Quote from Blondie64 on February 3, 2014, 10:31 am

I also believe on the flip side of that that every parent, well me (mother) wants to be loved and accepted by their children too – it goes both ways I believe!


Totally agree, I know for me as a mother I felt, I guess a bit insecure as a mother. I needed some reassurance I was a good mother and I needed that from my kids. I do understand where you are coming from. I had a lovely email from my daughter in law that brought me to tears telling me what an awesome mother I was and how I was an example for her. It meant a lot. So I'm telling you girl you are an awesome mother, it is very clear that you love both of your sons. You have raised them on your own, and you have a close relationship with your sons. That is a testament to what an awesome mother you are. Sure things have been a bit rough recently but I think that also proves what a great mum you are. If you weren't them things wouldn't be so hard. You will get back to the place where you feel you are close to your son again. I wish there were more mothers out there like you 🙂

ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
February 3, 2014, 10:56

Hi there


Thanks for the reply. As I noted before – we are all on a Journey (well its one way of viewing this process – just one – but it has some advantages) and so there are parts of that journey that are difficullt and slow and parts that are fast and pleasant. However things will change in time.


Ive just moved my father to a Nursing home (hes 95) but until very recently he lived in a town of a few hundred people. (And even now the town the nursing home he is in has a population of about 1500)

When I was young the postmaster read people's mail (I look back at that in some horror but thats just the way it was – he was old and we just put up with it as you do in small towns when everyone knows everyone) So I do know exactly what its like to live in the country.


Good ways of getting reading material would be either via something like an Amazon Kindle

(Maybe ask your son about that)

There are several models – some use your wifi to download books and some have inbult 3G (phone) thats included in the purchase price so you can buy your books via the PC or the kindle and it will stream onto the kindle. Then no one will ever see a physical book. The other nice thing about a kindle is that often Kindle versions of books are a little cheaper.

Not all books are available on Kindle – for example I have just bought some quite scholarly works on same sex marriage in the middle ages. I had to buy physical copies for those. (which given I already have floor to ceiling booksshelves I try to avoid) – Amazon is quite good for that and they will mail the book to you. Booktopia is a good australian web book store (I try to buy australian if I can)


For movies / video's its not so simple.

You can order DVDs through the mail – BUT you need to either be sure you have a region free DVD player OR buy from australia. There are a number of alternatives but they require various amounts of techincal set up and Im not sure whether you would want to do that – or perhaps maybe your son might be able to set something up for you ?

If you wanted to go beyond ordering DVD's perhaps PM me and we can discuss what might be the best solution for you .


Thanks

Phill

cheval319
 
Joined in 2014
February 4, 2014, 13:31

Hi Blondie,

You can get 'Love is an Orientation' from the Koorong online shop. You can also get it from the uk book depository (free postage) – and they're not a christian store, so perhaps more anonymous. Just make sure you get the paperback, not the DVD or participant's guide.

If you would like to read a recent autobiography, you might like the book by Justin Lee, the chief executive of the Gay Christian Network. It's available from Koorong (http://www.koorong.com/search/product/unconditional-justin-lee/9781444745429.jhtml)and the UK book depository (http://www.bookdepository.com/search?searchTerm=unconditional+justin+lee&search=Find+book) under the title 'Unconditional'. It's available for kindle from Amazon under the title 'Torn'. (http://www.amazon.com/Torn-Rescuing-Gospel-Gays-vs-Christians-Debate-ebook/dp/B0076DFG5S)

It's clear and easy to read.

I'm a reader, so read anything I could get my hands on. It really helped me. However this is a good place to ask questions and express how you feel, which is also important.

Just persevere, we're the grown-ups even if we feel like we got sent back to kindergarten!

I don't know what your son was like before, but my straight son doesn't share his girlfriend much either. He mainly goes to her place and when she comes here, it is mostly to pick him up or she might turn up after a shift at a restaurant, so after we've gone to bed. So maybe he's just private about personal relationships.

I guess, just show an interest when given an opening, but give him space if that's how he wants to play it. Maybe the partner is shy.

Take care,

Renee.

FreeinChrist88
 
Joined in 2011
February 4, 2014, 16:47

Hi Blondie64


Joel here, my heart too goes out to you in this time. I can only imagine what a confusing and troubling time this must be for your as a parent.

All I can say to you is this: You have done a wonderful thing by choosing to continue to love and accept your son, despite his homosexuality. He always was and always will be your son, and a part of you. You have no doubt saved your son from going down the perilous road of rejection and the self-destructive behavior that goes with it. By choosing to accept him and continue to love him, you have probably saved him from tremendous irreparable harm to himself. You are not a bad parent, or a horrible person.


Let me tell you that you have done nothing wrong, and that you are not in any way to 'blame' for him being gay. As a young gay man myself, who has recently come out and left his marriage of three years, I can honestly tell you that what your son did by choosing to come out to you is a profoundly positive and life-affirming step. As a gay person, your son no doubt wants exactly the same sorts of things that any straight person would want. The opportunity to love and to be loved, emotional,spiritual and physical intimacy, and companionship. The only difference for him and for many of us on this forum, is that we simply cannot have that with someone of the opposite sex (not for lack of trying either…)


It must be terrible to fear the negative reaction of your friends and family regarding your son being gay, but I hope that in the coming months and years ahead of you, you can remember that it is nothing to be ashamed of, it is simply an innate and unchangeable part of who we are.


My Dad told me when I came out: 'Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter don't mind'. I would say to you, that if people are going to judge or reject you for having a gay son, then they are probably not worth your time. We all need to be around people who love us for who and what we are, and will treat us with the respect and dignity we deserve.


You are most welcome here at Freedom 2 b blondie64, and my hope and prayer for you is that you can be encouraged by the community of love and support here at Freedom 2 b.


Love and prayers


Joel



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
February 5, 2014, 08:29

Hi Again


An appendum to my reply above (sorry Im having just an appalling week so Im a little scattered)


Another quite good source for books and DVDs is the Book shop

http://www.thebookshop.com.au/


When you buy something you can get on their catalog list. They carry a very wide range of material – from fiction to art to theology and spirituality ( also naughy calandars and books as well be warned )


But areas that might be scanning – depending on what you are looking for could include

http://www.thebookshop.com.au/books/general-glbt/religion-spirituality/


http://www.thebookshop.com.au/books/general-glbt/coming-out-self-acceptance/

(I note on the link there – there happens to be a book speficially for parents dealing with the issue of children coming out – no idea how good it is but …)


and also

http://www.thebookshop.com.au/dvds/


Oh – and you can ring them and ask them for recommendations. = They are on the infamous oxford street in sydney. so they have seen it all but they are nice and friendly and they know their books . Sometimes they can order books in for you too.

Blondie64
 
Joined in 2014
February 14, 2014, 18:49

Up-date


My son came around for a visit with his mum today, Valentines Day, was lovely and I was spoiled by him & his partner – such a lucky Mummy xxxx


Ugh don't know how to insert the picture?
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