Hi Grebo…… I have been meaning to write and say how touching your presentation was at the last freedom 2 b[e] meeting. I was glad that I was there to hear you share. Yeah for the supportive Mums and Dads. We are blessed having you in this space.

Thanks so much for posting this. It’s very encouraging. what an amazing story of acceptance and Godly love. Hopefully my family will also be so accepting if I ever find the courage to come out!

My mum rang to see how I was, I have a cold & was feverish this morning. She asked: "Are you crying, what's wrong?" I explained to her that I was really struggling, I'd cried out to God, but I don't know if he will answer, I don't know if he is even taking notice.

"God hears and answers all our prayers, whatever your problem is, He will help you if your pleas are genuine". From there on, I spoke to her over hour, cried with her, tried to come out to her, but just couldn't. She started asking what my problem is. "I think I know what your problem is, I don't want to believe it. You wont be happy if I tell you what I think your problem is. It is the same thing, the same evil thoughts that were with you when you were young." We "talked about it" in a round away kind of way, only mentioning "that thing" homosexuality once, "you have had a lot of problems in your life, with your epilepsy, your father being never home and telling you thing when you were a teenager. When someone tells you that you are something again and again, you grow up believing it! Its a lie, but you start to believe it" & the conversation went on and on …

"the Bible is clear, there are things that God cannot accept, things that are evil like murder, adultery, HOMOSEXUALITY!!" I mentioned how I feel that I have been living a "double life" that I have been living to please others & have not been true to myself. As a Christian, people expect you to act a certain way, parents expect you to be and act in a certain way. But sometimes you just do that even though you know you are lying and not being true to yourself, all because you don't want to hurt the ones you love. All because you know that certain people will not accept what you say, they will be hurt so much that you don't want to put them through that pain"

"But how do you know that person or those people will be hurt or treat you differently, not accept you … do you know for sure or you just think they will? Ask God to show you the truth. Let the Holy Spirit guide you"

On & on we spoke, going around & around the issue of my sexuality. "What if your reading the Bible you come across a verse & you see in a different light? You have always believed it to say something, you have always been taught to believe a certain way … but you discover a new interpretation, you see that scripture passage and others in a new light? What if one person tells you it means this, you say it means something else yet, you both claim to be led by the Holy Spirit how do we know if you or the other person is right?

"Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to you, if you are both Christians, born again than you will come to the same conclusion"

"but …"

"if you cant talk to me about your problem, talk to Robin (My pastor)" I explained that I have been talking to other Christians who have had the same problem and have managed to over come it & deal with it! "Dont talk to strangers on the Internet (how did she know I have been chatting to people online?) Mothers "always" seem to know. Talk to God, he will reveal the truth to you, He will let you know who is right and who is wrong. If your problem is what I think it is, you need to close the door to the devil. You need to confess your sin, don't let the devil trick you into believing that you are something, someone that you are not! That is a lie from the Devil!

"I knew you would say that, what if there is no door to close in the first place?"

"are you sure its not your medications making you have those evil thoughts, those strange thoughts? Talk to Dr …"

Around & around … almost 1hr we spoke & now here I am! Maybe God made mum ring me just at the right time before I did something stupid. Maybe God just wanted me to get it all out … Maybe I just need to plead with God one more time. Maybe I just need to verbalise my pain & the whole issue with Tom, the frustration, stress and confusion it's causing … only God knows.

At least I didn't harm myself which I was tempted to do before Mum called. At least I am still here & at least I am feeling a little better.

Just when I thought I was making progress 🙁 Im back at square one or at least close to square one 🙁

Hi Brunski

I echo the sentiments of Mother Hen and think the story she posted of the man waiting for help is very apt.

You don't have to go round and round with your mother. You can just accept that she's not comfortable with the idea of you being gay and spend more time with those who are comfortable with it. Perhaps that's easy for me to say.. but it feels like the two of you are locked into some pattern of trying to convince each other of your views. And it's not your job to do that. I know you want your Mum's acceptance and blessing and that's very normal. However, she's influenced by what she 's been taught by the church so not able to give that. At the same time I get the sense that she's a very caring woman and that's a good thing.

Is it possible for you to leave things be with your Mum, accepting her where she's at?

And are you still engaged in counselling? It sounds like you could do with the support.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Hi Brunski,

I'm very sorry that some of your communication with your mum was so upsetting, family can often bring about intense emotions, even when we think we may have them figured out! I'm glad that Helens post gave you encouragement and some hope, knowing that there are parents who demonstrate their support is encouraging to us all 🙂

Ann Maree made a good suggestion of spending time with others who are uplifting and supportive and I know I certainly try to do that! I love my parents a lot and I know that they must take their own journey in regard to my sexual orientation. As much as I would love their unconditional acceptance it's simply not where they are at! However it doesn't mean they won't change someday 🙂

Just some thoughts

Warm regards

Michelle

Thanks guys, you have all given me food for thought & I have heard that story MotherHen, thanks I know I am loved in here & I am loved in my Church even though, I suspect those who know that I am gay don't really accept it.

You may very well be right Ann Maree where you say in the following:

but it feels like the two of you are locked into some pattern of trying to convince each other of your views. Is it possible for you to leave things be with your Mum, accepting her where she's at?

Well, at the moment that is kind of happening, I haven't seen my mum for the last few days, mainly because I still have the flu & I'm not sure where things will go from her, she will come over tomorrow to bring me some Chicken Soup 😉 why do people believe that Chicken soup is the cure to all and helpful when you have a cold? lol

Anyway, I have decided to give her more time to digest it all as she says, but not too sure where everything is heading, I wish I did.

I hope that she comes around in time, now why I crave her acceptance so much, I'm not sure. I'm a grown adult & don't need her acceptance in reality. I had hoped (and still do) that I will be able to sit down with her & watch the DVD "The Bible Tells Me So" that DVD really touched my heart, I find myself in tears each time I watch it. And it also gave a new prospective on things and a different view of what the Bible really says about homosexuality. But that is for another time, for now she just needs to get her head around the whole thing. I get the feeling that she will & perhaps has already started to just push it all aside, bury it and believe that God will heal me & set me free & until that happens we just wont talk about it.

I have re-written that letter I posted on her a while back which I was going to give my mother, but never did. Since then I have rewritten it 3 times!

I have watered it down a bit & hope to give it her tomorrow or post it to her in a few days, but Im not sure if I should now …

As you can see I am still struggling and still taking one step forward and two steps back. In regards to counselling I haven't really done anything about that. My GP has referred me to a psychologist/counsellor, I had an appointment with her on Tues although, I made me way, got half way and "chickened out" at the last minute, started having a bit of an anxiety attack and just wondered if it would really help. Having attempted .. I think perhaps seeing a mental health professional may be best, but I suppose starting off with a counsellor is probably not such a bad thing. I really would like to see a Christian counsellor but the concern there is that they will just tell me that homosexuality is wrong blah, blah …

I had a meeting with my church pastor last night and had another one Elder join us. He wanted to hear everything from my own mouth, he heard second hand that I posted something on FB about my sexuality and the depression I was (am) going through … in short, they both expressed their views, my Pastor said at one stage "give me any verse in the Bible & I will show you someone who can and will justify a completely different view using Scripture to back up their claims and to serve their own agenda, making scripture say what they want to hear" something along those lines. I agree, with that, I was left wondering what all of you people have told me and everything I have read & heard from "pro-gay" theologians is correct or simply scripture being twisted to suit the agenda;s and views of others.

I know God loves me, I know my Pastor loves me and I know that I am loved in my Church (although now that there are a few (only 5 at this stage)who know that I am gay, I cant help but wonder if things may change. I for one am already feeling uncomfortable going to Church and seeing those who I know, now know that I am gay. And that really sucks! That wasn't the way things were meant to turn out, if anything others "should" feel uncomfortable being around me, not me around them!

Hopefully, I will get there in the end & come to stage of fully accepting & being able to live a life pleasing to God. I am not sure that this is possible anymore. As my Pastor said, its impossible to live a righteous life pleasing to God while being a practising homosexual. That kind of makes sense to me. But if that's the case, I might as well join the priesthood & remain celibate for the rest of my life 🙁