Firstly let me say how happy i am to discover this group, its wonderful to find people who i can relate to. For a long time i felt alone, not anymore.

I went to a Christian school growing up, it was the same school from Kindergarten to Year 12, Baptist Christian School here in Newcastle. I went to church every Sunday and read the bible and prayed often. I asked God into my life when i was very young, but back then i didn't really know what it meant to be a Christian it was just something i felt like i had to do like brushing my teeth. I would even ask God to come into my life every single day because at that age i wanted to make sure 'God was still inside my heart and didn't escape' haha.

I had allways thought i was straight growing up, i had a crush on this one girl in Year Six but i started to become curious about other men around the age of 12-13. At that time i didn't know if it was right or wrong, i was just curious, it felt natural, i didn't identify myself as gay, at that age i don't think i even knew what the word gay meant.

I soon realised that these feelings were not 'normal', all the other guys in my class where talking about girls and i didn't feel the same way as they did. Learning more about the Bible and still going to Church and Bible Studies i soon learnt that being attracted to other men was a sin, i remember one teacher telling me in Bible Studies class that "being gay is the most evil of all sins". I asked God to 'cure me of my sickness', it was a prayer i would pray every single night for the next few years…

Years went on, my feelings towards men grew stronger and i became desperate, if God truly loved me then why isn't he making me better? am i doing something wrong? is God testing me? punishing me? I had so many questions and no one to talk too… i started to feel alone, i couldn't talk to my family, and i was afraid of what my Christian friends would think of me. I started feeling guilty and ashamed, i blamed myself for still being gay, i wasn't trying hard enough to be straight i thought; i felt like i didn't deserve Gods love.

Around the age of 14-15 i started to become depressed, it slowly got worse and worse until high-school where my depression had gotten so bad i started to self harm, i would drink heavily, cut myself and thoughts of suicide where a daily thing. I wanted to die.

I prayed for God to cure me, and at times of desperation i prayed for God to kill me, i thought that my death would be better than living in sin.

2011 —-> It has been fours years since school finished and God hasn't been a big part of my life since then, my depression has gotten much better, i stopped the drinking and self harm. I found the further i distanced myself from my religious beliefs the better i started to feel about myself. However despite me distancing myself from God i still believed being gay was a sin, i was still afraid of going to hell, i was still scared of being gay.

I started seeing a psychologist around March 2011, i wanted to talk to her about my feelings towards men so badly but i was so nervous i couldn't bring myself to tell her. Eventually at the end of one session with my heart racing i managed to tell her, once she knew about my feelings towards men i ran out of the room upset, i was so scared, that was the first time i had ever told anyone about my sexuality. After talking to my psychologist for a few months i became more and more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, i am now at a point where i can easily talk about it without running out of the room haha.

However, something was still missing in my life, some part of me that i felt like i had lost a long time ago, i soon realised it was my relationship with God. One day i was feeling really depressed, i decided to pray for the first time in years, it is a moment i will never forget, i asked God for understanding and guidance, for the first time in ages i felt a true connection with God, i felt at peace, i felt like God was telling me that being gay is ok.

That same day i discovered a video on youtube called 'The Bedroom Commandments – Ben', remember thinking "wow i can really relate so much to his story". Slowly things started to become clear to me, God loves me, being gay is ok, i don't have to hide anymore. My relationship with God started to grow stronger than ever.

Then something strange happened, i noticed the more i became comfortable with my sexuality the more angry i became with the mainstream church. I started to get angry every time i read a comment or an article from a "Christian" claiming how evil being gay is. I started to follow news stories more that were focused on LGBTI issues, i would get really angry reading some the comments "Christians" would make, i didn't like the person i was becoming, i was showing so much hate towards a belief that was once so dear to me. I found i was distancing myself from God once again, how could i be gay and Christian if this is how the majority of mainstream Christians think? Yes i had a personal experience with God, but with so many people saying being gay is a sin i started to doubt myself again, who am i to say that being gay is ok when well respected and well known members of the church say otherwise?

One day i got so angry i had to write a comment on the 'Australian Christian Lobby's' Facebook page, i replied a few times to some people who choose to respond to me and i noticed Benjamin posting comments in support, the 'Australian Christian Lobby' soon deleted our messages, however i noticed i had received three friend requests on facebook, one from Benjamin, one from Samuel and another from James. I soon realised that Benjamin was the same person from the 'The Bedroom Commandments' video i watched! I was star-struck! This is how i discovered Freedom2B, i have been reading peoples stories and alot of the information on this site over the last week or so and it has helped me greatly. I have found that i no longer get so angry when reading and following gay news stories, and my anger towards the mainstream church is slowly going way.

I don't think it was just a coincidence that i watched that video ages ago at a time of desperation and then to find myself here today, i believe God led me here, to this website, to find people who believe the same things i do.

That's my basic story, i'm sorry for making it so long, there is actually alot of details missing and if you like i can tell you where i am at today in my journey, but i think i have made this long enough for you to read already 😛

Thanks for reading 😀

-Simon

Hi Simon,

wow – I am so glad you have shared your story and so glad you have found this supportive community. 🙂

I can relate to a couple of things you have said – in particular your comments that as you became more comfortable about your sexuality, you became more angry at the church.

This resonates with me – and I have to say I am on a day to day journey with that one. I am trying to keep my negative feelings about mainstream church in check. I try to separate out "church" from God. It's a hard slog sometimes. Sometimes I feel Ok and just accept that "their story" (meaning the church) is different from mine – and try to let it wash over me. Other times I am like you – feeling enormously that I want to be an advocate and an activist – feeling a strong sense of injustice. I also smiled at your recounting of your experience with your psychologist. A few months ago I could barely mention the word "sexuality"- now my counsellor smiles at me as I talk about the "fluidity of sexuality" 🙂 🙂

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing – I look forward to hearing more of your story and journey. As you may gather through this website – the power of "story" to encourage, to move, to affirm, and hopefully to heal is immense and powerful.

Take care,

Sarab

Hi Simon

It's great to have you with us. 🙂

As Chris said, having the distance from one issue and working on the other is often helpful. Facing 2 big issues at once can be overwhelming and it's easy to lose perspective with negative voices added to the mix.

As you read the stories of others here, you'll find accounts of great courage and triumph as people have overcome their difficulties to arrive at a place of peace and affirmation. It IS definitely possible to be a happy gay person of faith. And you're well on your way to that point which is encouraging. I'm so glad you saw Ben's posts. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Quote from Simon on December 6, 2011, 2:21 pm

As for friends… to be honest i don't really have any left… going to a Christian school all my friends were against homosexuality, so once school finished we kinda stoped hanging out… i did tell one friend only a few weeks ago, but he was also a Christian, we got into a huge fight, he tolled me i was going to hell for my sins and we are no longer friends.

Im afraid that if i do reconnect with God i will once again spiral into a deep depression, im scared of stepping into a church and having to hide who i truly am, im worried that people will judge me and persecute me and tear me down. I am very sensitive, only today i read a comment made by a Christian saying that "if you give your life to God he can cure you of your homosexuality", and despite everything i have been through in my life there was still a part of me that believed this person, what if they were right? maybe i didn't try hard enough to be straight? But those questions soon get replaced with feeling of anger, and those protective barriers are put up around me once again.

I have lost so much… the more i become comfortably with my sexuality the happier i feel… but the more i seem to loose around me…

Hi Simon

Welcomne to freedom2b, I'm glad you have found this site. I to am only new to the site of just over 1 week. Right now, it is the only thing keeping me somewhat connected to God and exploring to reconcile my relationship with God and my sexuality. So I can relate to alot you have said so far.

Its a shame that you have no friends to support you, unfortuantely I know this too, as all of my friends were from the church. Church life was were I spent all of my free time outside of the family home and where I actively served. So in coming out and leaving the church meant slowly one by one in a short space of time they all walked away. It can be a lonely time for sure, I'm so glad you have found this site sooner rather than over 7 years down the track, like myself. We must remember that majority of those Christians who hold to and preach the "your going to hell or homosexuality is a sin" do so with the best intentons (mainly). It is hard to not get angry and hurt by there comments. I admit as I'm still wearing the scars of some good intentions. Now you have found this site , I would encourage you to use all the resources available, so you don't feel so isolated and alone. .

I like to think that God knows us and how much we can handle right now. So if staying away from a main stream church is what you need to do for now, in order to heal and become closer to God then I can't see that as being a wrong thing. As a few people commented it can be difficult working on two major things at once, especially when your so vunerable. For now I've decided for myself this site is like my own little church community, a safe place for me to dwell.

You said you were afriad to reconnect with God, Simon this almost made me cry, my heart feels your pain. I'd say this is a common thing with those of us who are on this journey. Torn between wanting a relationship with God but petrified at the same time to find out what God really feels. It does sound like you have recieved some peace in the past from God as to your sexuality and His love for you. This is fantastic and I encouarge you to told onto that. .

As you read through other stories you will find others who have reconiled there relationship with God and there sexuality, this is a great encouragement to those of us still on this journey. Thank you so much for sharing your story Simon, so glad you were lead here. It was an encouragement to read your story, as Mother Hen said, your a strong young man.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

Hugs

Hi Simon

I like everyone's comments! 🙂 I second what Danny B has said in terms of taking your time, to just be who you are in this moment without pressure of having to have everything neatly resolved. He's right – it does take time to work your way through things. Give yourself permission for that.

I also loved this from Danny B:

"…keep things in your life for as long as they add some value to it, for as long as they make life better. Whether that's friends or belief systems, or family. It's not to say that it will always be easy and that challenges won't come your way, but only keep things in your life while they add to the true richness of life". I've followed this advice which at times has been hard, but I can assure you I don't know anyone who lives a life as rich as I and that is a very good place to be (I'm sure there are people, but the ignorance to them does my happiness the world of good . I only have people in my life who add, not take away.

Or as my mother has said: "When faced with a dilemma, ask yourself: 'Is this good for me? And if it is, and you feel happy, then go with it. If not or unsure, walk away. When we do what makes us truly happy, this adds to both our own lives and others.' Suppressing who we are or making ourselves small does not add anything to this world. Rather, there is a diminishing and something precious is lost.

Again, it's great to have you with us, Simon. You are amongst some really wonderful people who are truly here for you. 🙂

And as Mother Hen suggested, feel free to attend a f2b monthly meeting if you can. They are very laid back and welcoming. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree