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22 year old Sydney guy, still figuring things out

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JoshJay
 
Joined in 2010
November 19, 2010, 13:44

Hello World Wide Web,


I’m a 22 year old guy from Sydney and I’ve always grown up in a Christian family.


Pretty much from when I was young, I have been going to church very regularly. For as long as I can remember, my family has been involved with church ministry, and my dad as a pastor.


But… pretty much from when I was young, I have always felt different, and very quickly realised that I am gay. For as long as I can remember, my father has been very judgemental of homosexuals, and extremely critical of gays.


I have never gotten along well with my father, or guys in general.


I have struggled to make true close friends.


I have never been comfortable in my own skin.


I have only come out to very few close friends, but it is difficult for me to be very open about my sexuality. I know that word travels fast, and I am so afraid that my parents will find out. And be extremely upset and probably disown me.


I have been struggling to come to terms with my own sexuality. I am only slowly learning to like myself more – I used to hate everything about myself. And as I work through this journey, it is getting more difficult to repress that one part of my identity, that I am gay. I am tired of wearing the mask; I want to be honest with myself, and with the world about who I am. It is weary to pretend to be someone I am not. But I fear judgement from my family and friends.


I used to be a very committed Christian, and kind of prayed that I would somehow become straight again. Combined with many other factors, I have started to lose my faith, and become quite nonchalant about it. (I want to be clear though that I do not pray to ‘become’ straight these days. I don’t think that it was solely because I didn’t ‘become’ straight that I walked away from Christianity. There were many other reasons too).


I am struggling and I don’t know what to do.


I’m not even sure what writing in this forum will do, but I guess there is no harm in trying right?


Thanks for reading,

JoshJay

IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
November 19, 2010, 14:38

JoshJay

I think you’ve come to the right place! There are many here who have followed the same path as you, and have now found their peace with God and acceptance by a number of Christian people.


Check out the stories posted here- you will find a lot of encouragement. There’s also the monthly F2b[e] meetings and youth meetings if you feel comfortable with face-to-face meeting.


There’s an enormous amount of grace, acceptance and encouragement for you on this site!


Ian

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 19, 2010, 17:24

Hi JoshJay


Welcome! 🙂


I heartily second what Ian has written.


I and others here at f2b have found comfort that we are not alone. There are many who will relate to your story and to how you’re feeling. That in itself can be quite strengthening. Apart from that, there’s support, inspirational stories and discussion which all helps in the journey of finding yourself and feeling good about who you are.


By the way, how did you hear about us?


I hope you enjoy this site and experience it as a safe space to be.


Blessings,


Ann Maree

JoshJay
 
Joined in 2010
November 19, 2010, 18:55

Hi Ann Maree and Ian


Thank you for your replies.


It’s great to know that there are other people who are going through the same thing. And it is encouraging to read the stories on this forum too. I’m glad I had randomly stumbled upon this website, while searching for something else.


To be honest, I’m apprehensive and confused. Scared and excited. It has been a long time coming.


Thanks again for your kind words.


JoshJay

iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
November 19, 2010, 21:48

Hi JoshJay and welcome to freedom2b.


As Ian has mentioned, there are many stories on our forum that detail individual journeys towards reconciliation of sexuality and/or faith. You may identify with some of them. The Sydney Chapter meetings are a safe space to connect with other gay people from a faith background with similar experiences.


Glad to have you here in our/your online community.

RaulG
 
Joined in 2010
November 20, 2010, 08:05

Querido Josh,


To be honest, I’m apprehensive and confused. Scared and excited. It has been a long time coming.


Josh, Josh, my precious brother…though this may sound cliche, what you feel is perfectly natural and in fact is quite a common feeling in this stage (as many of my beloved family here will attest).


The most important thing that you need to know, is that despite what your anxious may mind may whisper, you are not alone: here you will find people who understand. Some because they have lived it. Some because they have watched others live it. Some are here because they seek to close the wounds made upon their hearts. Some are here because their hearts are full to bursting with healing light. Some here are struggling with their faith. Some here have lost theirs. Some here found it and made it stronger. Some here have discovered it for the first time.


But we are here for you, Josh. As close as you want us to be, we are here for you.


Welcome Josh. Welcome home.


Yours in Christ,


Raul

Mr Summit
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2010
November 20, 2010, 10:09

Hey man.


I’m 23. I’m not out yet and I am worried about how my parents will react. And for a while I struggled with my faith as well. So you are not alone.


There seems to be a really awesome F2B presence down in Sydney (you guys are spoiled), including frequent youth activities. Maybe you could go? I’ve never been because they don’t have them in Brisbane but they look pretty cool and the type of place where you might feel at home.

HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
November 20, 2010, 13:36

Hi JoshJay,


It’s so awesome to have you here at Freedom 2 b[e]. I reckon that this is the best place you can be when trying to work through your sexuality and your faith. Over 2 years ago, I found this website and it saved my life. There is an amazing bunch of people here and we are committed to encouraging and supporting you on your journey.


I can definitely relate to your journey. I tried to become ‘straight’ too but with no luck. It wasn’t that God wasn’t there, or hearing my prayers but rather God already saw me and who I am as a gay man and he saw nothing wrong with me. There was quite simply, no problem to fix. The problem with me being gay was not with God, it was with me.


Are you thinking of coming out any time soon? There is no need to rush anything or feel like you need to do it. Remember that ‘coming out’ is your own decision and it’s not an easy path, especially for many people from Christian homes. Take your time and you make the choice if/when you feel you want to.


I am the F2b youth leader in Sydney and we run youth events every 2 months. There are a heap of amazing young guys and girls that I have the opportunity to work with. You should consider coming to one of the F2b youth events or even a normal f2b meeting in Sydney. The next one is a Christmas BBQ on Friday night on December 3rd.


Also feel free to add me on Facebook mate (http://www.facebook.com/bengresham) and we’ll talk more there.


Hope you are having a good week!


Ben



HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
November 20, 2010, 13:38

@MrSummit Totally agree mate! Very great stuff happening in Sydney and now Melbourne.


Don’t worry,,Brisbane is only a matter of time and will hopefully happen very soon! 🙂



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
November 20, 2010, 13:49

hey Joshjay…..it is so cool you stumbled across us.


it is quite an journey to reconcile the perceived conflict between our faith and our sexuality.


from my experience whilst we think these two things are intertwined (and they are)…..they are also two separate issues.


sounds like you are on your way to self acceptance……….the faith thing can get sorted out after that.


Just in case you hadn’t read our mission and guidelines it would be good to just let you know that we have no agenda here to make you go one way or the other……just to provide a safe space for you to share with others who understand the journey.


you’ve actually taken a brave step posting here on the site…..good on you……and another welcome from me.
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